Today I realized that I need to start keeping a journal. Things don’t last forever, I learned that the hard way today. I’ve never been a fan of live journals, actually I despise them, so I’m not treating this as a live journal. If other people want to read it, thats fine but that isn’t what it is for. This is for me. It is for me to remember the things that happen to me. I don’t plan on using it as a way to get attention or to rag on about how badly life sucks like most lj users do but instead I want a log of the important things that happen to me in my life. An important mentor to me in my life, Tim Kelsey, tried to make it clear to me that I should be doing this but I didn’t really understand. Now I understand, and here is why:

Today was for the most part a good day, I was up all night last night finishing an essay (typical) and went to class and turned it in. I got free lunch (pizza) because of a meeting with HP people on campus which was cool. The rest of fizzes computer stuff came in so Nolan and I (and gabe and fizz) built his computer which is cool. I went to A Phi’s to play ping pong dressed up as a girl (they told us 10 minutes before the event we needed to dress up). Seth and I lost horribly, oh well it was fun. After that I went to the Inn, it was good, Ryan Church talked about society’s downfalls and how we don’t have to succomb to them. I really liked the worship (I always do). I was really tired from staying up all night the night before so I had plans to goto bed early but on the way home from the inn I noticed I had a message from my mom so as I was parting with Fizz (he was going home) I listenened to it.

It was one of those “Call me back” messages that you can safely assume means she has some sort of bad news. In this case it was far worse than I had imagined. When she answered, she said (as I was expecting), “I have some bad news.” At this point all sort of things flashed through my mind but the thing that stuck was that my cat, Smokey must have died (he’s like 15 years old). Instead she said, “Charlene’s husband Mark committed suicide this morning.” I was completely shocked. What could I say? What should I say? I didn’t know, and my mom could tell I didn’t know what to say, so she just kept talking, explaining further the situation. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes as I walked onto the KA property. Mark has been a pretty inspirational guy to me over the last few months. While not always positive influence, he was a really cool, down-to-earth, guy. I thought of him as a role-model of sorts, a guy who knows what he likes and is fun to be around. He always had funny anecdotal stories from college and tidbits of advice ranging from how to smoke a cigar to how to make money and be successful. All of this flashed into my head, all the times I remember with him over the summer.–He was my mom’s best friend’s husband, I saw him a lot, I knew him well. All of my ties; he gave to me. He gave me some cuban cigars (which btw, cigars aren’t very good) that I smoked on the fourth of july. He was a very generous and giving guy. He gave my brother and I like $100 worth of fireworks to blow up on the 4th. Its so incredibly sad to think that he’s dead now; it’s indescribable.–I started to cry, my mom would ask me a question but I couldn’t think of words to answer. I just sniffled and she knew I was crying. (I’m almost crying again now). By the time I was done talking to her (about 10 minutes) I was in full tears. I wanted to talk to someone.

Jason; he’s the man I need. Jason is my bro’, the first guy I thought of when I thought “I need to talk to someone”. I went down to my room, passing jim and pez who both seemed busy on the way to get some tissues. Next I went upstairs, Jason wasn’t in his room but I heard his voice down the hall, I was relieved to see he was in Nolan’s room. I walked in and immediatly started to cry again. They both listened to me as I explained what happened. Just being with them, people who I know care about me, made me feel better. They reminded me to think of the happy things about Mark and it cheared me up. I’m so glad I have Bro’s like this to count on. Thanks guys, even if you never read this, I really appreciate it.

I guess all I can do now is pray for Mark’s family (he left behind his wife and two stepchildren) and for everyone that he knew. He definitely left a legacy with me. He is someone that I will never forget even though we didn’t really know eachother for a large portion of my life. Thanks for everything Mark, I know you’re up there somewhere reading this and I want you to know I really appreciate you and even though its sad that you had to go, I want you to know you are loved.

I tribute this entry to Mark Roadman, a great man who has inspired me.